Friday, August 13, 2010

Fear of Change

Change on many fronts is never easy. When I left the mall on the 28th of June having loaded my Panera Card with the $10.00, I thought that I would carry that forward for my bagels during the month of July. I never got to have those bagels or those brief memories with my bagel friends. Throughout the month of July, Dorothy, my friend from church who is also a member of the Bagel Club, mentioned that I was being asked for. I kept making excuses to myself of why I was not returning to the mall from being busy with seminars and just wanting to sleep in. I finally summoned the courage and made the arrival this past Monday. They were glad to see me and asked if I got reinstated. I mentioned that I did not but shared a good extended period of time around the table. This time with only one bag with my news in it but no work. And I had no time pressures to be anywhere else in the world and to be able to enjoy the moment. To be with familiar friends who care about me. We shared the usual topics of the day and the practices of faith as well. One funny comment was when Alan commented on the communion wafer and said, "why can't they be a waffle instead?
It felt good to be at those 5 round tables forming a giant snowman and listening to the classical music playing overhead, even though it appeared to be stuck and playing over and over again.

For now it is Friday the 13th of August. A day of decision and of angst of how the world is going to change for me.

Watching and waiting for change is never easy. I went to Pearle Vision to pick up my new bifocals, a tell-tale sign of my being a middle-aged man. I dropped off my glasses and walked through the world for a half-hour visit with trees blurring and signs completely out of focus. I walked into Billy's Bakery and sampled the potato chips and cheese and bread and butter and jam. Very delectable tastes to walk through the world unadorned without glasses. I have walked through the world with them on since I was eight years-old. I also walked to the lower level of the shopping plaza hoping to grab a bite at the Entrees Restaurant only to find it closed as of August 6th. Traffic lights had the green and red lights but the light fixtures themselves did not stand out. I knew what to expect looking at their location. I even knew the McDonalds was across the street but the vividiness that I experience with my glasses was not there as I sat awaiting for the technician to grind and place the new lens into mine.

After sitting on the bench for twenty minutes on the brick patio, I walked back to Pearle and had my glasses tried on and the world seemed much clearer-after having viewed it in a blur for 45 minutes. And after having the world in an unclear state for the last few since I delayed in having the eye exam for a couple of years. The domed region for the bifocal lens made the world seem to dance a little bit off balance.

After these three anxious weeks of waiting , making excuses and dancing, it turned out okay and was glad that I made the move towards medical progress and a better perfection of I operate my body.

The same seems to be true of my search for work as I am awaiting change and a meeting with my case worker from the Kennedy Center for a career path to be laid out for me in a clearer fashion. I have a good body of work to present to the world in what I have done and I just need to have a sense of confidence in what I have to offer it. At times when I have been in some of the workshops, I feel that I don't have the dramatic stories of rescuing companies from the brink of disaster or having won medals or ribbons of acclaim worn around my neck.
The only disasters that I seem to have survived in the working world is surviving and working through the chaos that I sometimes created in my day to day goings on in the world. I have worked through these disasters by moving around the papers on my desk, hoping that I have the immediate recall I need of where to find them.
In a way, the forces of nature do this as well. There have been many storms on the coast of Maine that I have witnessed of wind swept waves that have crashed against the rocks. These storms that I have witnessed do not produce the massive damage that is often seen on reports of disasters. Yet, I was aware of the effects of the storm whenever I looked out at the end of our house in Maine and saw the end of the entrance to the dock that was once there abruptly edited by the seas. Its protrusion provided a sense of beauty when I look back at it-a moment where it survived the violent dancing of the waves and its remaining, a stoic reminder that even though a portion is shorn off, a stubble of stubbornness and determination can remain strong in its wake.

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