Friday, August 20, 2010

A new Birth

I am going to encounter today a new birth. Not a child or something tangible right away. But a seeding of what I have learned over the past 7 plus weeks along with what I have learned over 20 years of working in the corporate world. All tied to my disability and my giftedness from God.

My friend, Lisa, gave me a good illustration that we all need to be stretched sometimes into how we learn in our world. Yet, this is going to be a bit of a stretch since much of the office technology I have not used in terms of microsoft office. We need to stretch in order to move forward in this life.

It is a little unsettling for me to be between these two worlds. Of having been in the sheltered setting of a private school for the handicapped and then mainstreamed into public school,

Of having worked within the corporate world without a lot of assistance and now relying on some of that now.

When I went from public school towards college, I had the same Bureau of Rehab Services help provide me counseling with a psychologist to help me ease my transition to college which I did just fine.

Lord, help me to learn and trust in your direction during this new time. I have learned much during this sabbatical and still have so much to learn in technology and how to manage myself and my environment better.

But I am up to the challenge in the new chapter of my life and not to be on the roving sabbatical that I have been on so far for the past 7 weeks or so!!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Passed through another fear.

I am triumphant in that I passed through another fear that has faced me for the past few years of middle age. I went and had a routine exam called a colonoscopy. I survived stage one of it yesterday as I mixed up and drank almost 90 ounces of the trilyte solution to cleanse me for my exam.

When I went for my appointment this afternoon and was brought into the room to get ready, I had a little trouble figuring out the gown. They sure make them in an unusual manner in how one is supposed to tie these things.
When I was lying on the bed for the procedure, I saw the different nozzles and monitors laid out in a similar fashion to when I was visiting my dad last October at Maine Medical. It felt a little awkward knowing that in the medical setting my dad failed to gain back to normal robust health and eventually died of the infections that took over his body.
But I was at a doctor's office and after the twilight drug took effect, I could not dwell on that too much more.

After I had my procedure done, I was all dressed up and sat up for my ginger ale. Now that is service. It also reflects for me how I will be clothed in His heavenly dwelling when I enter Heaven some day to meet and worship my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I will be given that new body which will not need several visits a month or year to the doctor and I will be given a new spirit that will think like my God thinks.

Then as I was reflecting on how I was all ready to go after the procedure, I only wish that I could just fall to sleep and then with a magic wand, I would be transported to the job site that God has prepared for me to work at. And to be fully trained and functional at as well.

But for now, I will prepare as best as I can for the day when I walk through the doors of a new company that is in desperate need of my services and I will also await the day that God welcomes me home into His presence and will do my best Jesus to walk into your throne room to receive my rewards and give them back to you.
Thanks again Lord for choosing to be part of your Kingdom. Let me do your work and do it well, Lord.

Finally, what I am learning about living in the middle of my fears is not to let them get the better of me and to just accept the appointments that I need to go to and to have a willing mind and spirit to learn from them and afterwards bless others with the lessons that I have learned afterwards.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Fear of Change

Change on many fronts is never easy. When I left the mall on the 28th of June having loaded my Panera Card with the $10.00, I thought that I would carry that forward for my bagels during the month of July. I never got to have those bagels or those brief memories with my bagel friends. Throughout the month of July, Dorothy, my friend from church who is also a member of the Bagel Club, mentioned that I was being asked for. I kept making excuses to myself of why I was not returning to the mall from being busy with seminars and just wanting to sleep in. I finally summoned the courage and made the arrival this past Monday. They were glad to see me and asked if I got reinstated. I mentioned that I did not but shared a good extended period of time around the table. This time with only one bag with my news in it but no work. And I had no time pressures to be anywhere else in the world and to be able to enjoy the moment. To be with familiar friends who care about me. We shared the usual topics of the day and the practices of faith as well. One funny comment was when Alan commented on the communion wafer and said, "why can't they be a waffle instead?
It felt good to be at those 5 round tables forming a giant snowman and listening to the classical music playing overhead, even though it appeared to be stuck and playing over and over again.

For now it is Friday the 13th of August. A day of decision and of angst of how the world is going to change for me.

Watching and waiting for change is never easy. I went to Pearle Vision to pick up my new bifocals, a tell-tale sign of my being a middle-aged man. I dropped off my glasses and walked through the world for a half-hour visit with trees blurring and signs completely out of focus. I walked into Billy's Bakery and sampled the potato chips and cheese and bread and butter and jam. Very delectable tastes to walk through the world unadorned without glasses. I have walked through the world with them on since I was eight years-old. I also walked to the lower level of the shopping plaza hoping to grab a bite at the Entrees Restaurant only to find it closed as of August 6th. Traffic lights had the green and red lights but the light fixtures themselves did not stand out. I knew what to expect looking at their location. I even knew the McDonalds was across the street but the vividiness that I experience with my glasses was not there as I sat awaiting for the technician to grind and place the new lens into mine.

After sitting on the bench for twenty minutes on the brick patio, I walked back to Pearle and had my glasses tried on and the world seemed much clearer-after having viewed it in a blur for 45 minutes. And after having the world in an unclear state for the last few since I delayed in having the eye exam for a couple of years. The domed region for the bifocal lens made the world seem to dance a little bit off balance.

After these three anxious weeks of waiting , making excuses and dancing, it turned out okay and was glad that I made the move towards medical progress and a better perfection of I operate my body.

The same seems to be true of my search for work as I am awaiting change and a meeting with my case worker from the Kennedy Center for a career path to be laid out for me in a clearer fashion. I have a good body of work to present to the world in what I have done and I just need to have a sense of confidence in what I have to offer it. At times when I have been in some of the workshops, I feel that I don't have the dramatic stories of rescuing companies from the brink of disaster or having won medals or ribbons of acclaim worn around my neck.
The only disasters that I seem to have survived in the working world is surviving and working through the chaos that I sometimes created in my day to day goings on in the world. I have worked through these disasters by moving around the papers on my desk, hoping that I have the immediate recall I need of where to find them.
In a way, the forces of nature do this as well. There have been many storms on the coast of Maine that I have witnessed of wind swept waves that have crashed against the rocks. These storms that I have witnessed do not produce the massive damage that is often seen on reports of disasters. Yet, I was aware of the effects of the storm whenever I looked out at the end of our house in Maine and saw the end of the entrance to the dock that was once there abruptly edited by the seas. Its protrusion provided a sense of beauty when I look back at it-a moment where it survived the violent dancing of the waves and its remaining, a stoic reminder that even though a portion is shorn off, a stubble of stubbornness and determination can remain strong in its wake.